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Google Responds to the EU's Antitrust Ultimatum -- A Satire

6 June 2012

Joaquín Almunia
European Commission, Vice President for Competition Policy
Brussels, Belgium

Dear Joaquín Almunia,

Thank you for your May 21 letter sharing your Google antitrust concerns, and for your offer of discussions to avoid "adversarial proceedings."

In this dispute among equals, we would like to counter with Google's concerns about your antitrust investigation.

First, no matter how many times we explain our business or how slowly we talk, your investigators can't seem to grasp the expanse of our algorithmic genius or the fact that our engineers are higher life forms not bound by the laws of man or nature. Going forward we will only talk to fellow gifted engineers.

Second, the velocity of Google's innovation and the fast-moving nature of these markets mean antitrust authorities can't keep up with us. By the time the EU figures out that we have monopolized one market, we will have monopolized many more. Surrender while you still can. Resistance is futile. Get over it.

Third, Google can cause no consumer harm, because people are products that we sell to advertisers and publishers. Our products are Google's property; they have no rights -- no right to privacy or right to customer service. Our products are fed a humane diet of free services and are free to roam the open range of the Internet because our tracking lets us know where they are at all times.

Per your request, and in the spirit of magnanimity that is Google, we offer the following remedies to humor you and to put this matter behind us once and for all.

First, Google will admit that one rogue engineer was responsible for all of the alleged antitrust violations around the world; and publicly assert that no one else at Google knew anything. We will admit the rogue engineer made "a mistake," continue to employ him, and shield him from any investigators going forward. In return, we will not contest a 25,000 fine for jaywalking.

Second, any Google-EU "discussions" will take place on neutral territory in Mountain View California, where our EU guests will be rewarded with a free test-ride in a self-driving Street View car, plus an autographed picture of Google CEO Larry Page.

Third, our last and final offer is that the EU immediately outsources its antitrust enforcement to Google. Using the artificial intelligence in our self-driving cars and access to all of the world's information, Google has invented a self-regulating antitrust algorithm. EU investigations would no longer be necessary because with Google surveillance via Street View, Office View, and Bathroom View, Google already would have all the information necessary to algorithmically detect and remedy any antitrust issue in milliseconds. Google has every incentive for this self-regulating antitrust algorithm to work, because if Google were to lose the trust of our products, they would leave to become products of our competitors', who are but one click away.

Eric Schmidt,
Chief Google-Go-Between with the Physical World