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Google Welcome Memo to Davos Attendees – A Satire

January 21, 2015

Memorandum For: All 2015 Davos Attendees

From: Google Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt, Davos Man, & Co-Chair of Davos 2015

Subject: Welcome & Davos 2015 Orientation Information

Google and the World Economic Forum welcome you to the first of many Davos G-1 Summits!

Google is honored to sponsor and co-opt this august event because so many European heads of state, government officials, and elites will be here for the influencing.

Our mission here will be to organize Davos’ information and make it universally accessible and useful.  

Your privacy is our highest priority. Let us reassure you that what happens in Davos, stays in Davos.

Google’s high altitude balloons and drones will provide all Davos’ Internet access. Android and Google+ will be the official Davos operating system and social networking platform respectively. And Google Translate will be the only approved translation service.

Of course Google Search will be the default Davos search engine and Google Hangouts the default video conferencing service. Rest assured all Davos communications will be recorded in Google “Incognito” mode and be encrypted so no one other than Google will be able to profile, track, and rank you.  

To further ensure your privacy, and to ensure that the hospitality support staff can anticipate your every need, all Davos rooms have installed Google-Nest Thermostats and Google-DropCam room surveillance cameras to doubly ensure that no one can steal your trade secrets or violate your privacy.

Please note that the Google celebrity gift bag for all Google-friendly attendees has the following free goodies: Google Glass, Android watch, Android smart phone, Google Chromebook, and Chromecast. Not to be outdone by Oprah, you will find a Google-self-driving car in your driveway upon your return home; please find the keys on top of your right bedside table. Last but not least, the Google celebrity gift bag will also include a free bottle of Davos’ new official beverage; please drink the GoogleAde.

Of the 280 panels competing for Davos attendees’ attention, let the Google search algorithm rank the most relevant Davos panels for European Heads of State and government officials:

8:00 AM   “Why Competition is Only a Click Away” Room 3

9:00 AM   “Why 90% Market Share Can Be Beneficial and Fleeting” Room 3.1

10:00 AM “How Big Data Surveillance Improves Your Privacy” Room 3.14

11:00 AM “Why Certain Companies Deserve a Right to be Forgiven” Room 3.141

1:00 AM “Why Facilitating Piracy is Free Speech” Room 3.1415

2:00 PM “How Automation Creates Jobs” Room 3.14159

3:00 PM “Why Artificial Intelligence is Uber-Safe” Room 3.14159

4:00 PM “Why Your Private Data is Safer Stored in Other Countries” Room 3.141592

5:00 PM “Why Being Disrupted is Good for You” Room 3.1415926

Going forward, to improve the quality, relevance, and competitive opportunity of future Davos sponsors and attendees, Google will run an Almunia-auction where all aspiring Davos corporate sponsors and attendees can bid to rank highest on the Google-Davos 2016 invite list.

One last thing, please remember to clearly enunciate all your words.   

Thank you in advance for your fealty to Google – the first and only “Davos Company.”

 

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